w/c 24/01/2009

Eeee, there's been a lot going on along the cobbled streets of Wetherfield (Coronation Street, ITV1). Maria tries to kill Tony because Tony killed Liam (although no-one knows). Tony got rid of Jed to Wigan because Jed was also nearly killed by Tony (and no-one knows that either). But, Carla, Tony's wife, catches Tony manhandling Jed into a cab. Will her bulbous lips keep shut over that one; for a change?

Meanwhile, Peter Barlow is at a drying out clinic cos he can't keep off the sauce and it's left to Blanche and Leanne to run his turf accountant business. How on earth can they count out the money with the state of their eyes? Blanche has one eye going to the shop and the other coming back with the change and Leanne has one eye looking at you and one eye looking for you. Maybe should re-name his shop The Boggle-eyed Birds' Bookies.

Whilst walking his rat-type dog along Wetherfield canal, cheeky Ken Barlow managed to stumble across Stephanie Beecham living on a barge, so went in to sample her potato and leek soup and a glass of Shiraz.
As you do.
See? Soaps really are a reflection of real life.

If you're on LSD.

In A Million Pound Place In The Sun (Ch4, Thursday), presenter Amanda Lamb (does anyone else think 'two pigs in a sack?' when looking at her chest) tried to find footballer Jason Cundy and wife Lizzy a posh pad in France. Dizzy Lizzy was amazed by all the properties and dutifully clicked her fingers, annoyingly often, every time she got a little over-excited; which was about every two minutes.
In fact, it seemed that Lizzy thought the whole point of the programme was an audition for some kind of reality 'no-one's heard of me, but aren't I fabulous anyway'-type show.

She'd certainly be the winner of a Bratz doll look alike contest.

When it came to finding their dream home price at just over £1 million, Jason just had to get the windows replaced. Why? Because they were plastic.

Come on now Jason, plastic can't be that bad...just look at your wife.

In the end, after a lot of haggling with the vendor, Jason would not come down £5,000 on the price, so that was the end of that.

So that was worth watching then...not.

w/c 17/01/09

Salmon dipped in licorice.
Scrambled egg with Earl Grey essence.
Lancashire hot pot with lambs tongue and oyster.
This isn't food.
This is Heston Blumenthal's 'what planet must he be from?' food.

In Big Chef Takes On Little Chef (Ch4, Monday, 9pm), we saw the wacky 3 starred Michelin chef Heston Blumenthal, try to step in and save on of Britian's oldest eateries - Little Chef.
The company has been in dire straits, but new chief Ian Peglar wants Heston to invent a 'taste explosion' to entice new customers and titillate the old. Heston visits one outlet to sample dishes such as 'The Olympic' breakfast and the 'Mega Mix Grill', only to find the chicken 'dreadful' and the scrambled eggs straight out of the microwave. "Forget the glossy veneer," he says, "and let's get back to basics." A glossy veneer in Little Chef? Surely that can only be found on the skin of its custard.
Heston finds himself working in Little Chef kitchen only to find there are no pans or even a stove. He is reduced to just cooking on a griddle. "Don't forget to grease your ring." says his Little Chef co-worker.
Quite.
Later, Heston finally comes up with a new menu for the board of executives to sample: Scrambled eggs and salmon with essence of Earl Grey tea, Lancashire hot pot with lambs tongue, sweetbread and oyster, ham cooked in hay, followed by Chocolate ice-cream with mandarin aroma that is served as dry ice. The verdict? CEO Ian wants something that's more unusual. Unusual? If this Heston's grub isn't unusual, then I'm Marie Antoinette. What does he want that's unusual? Crushed glass en croute? Intestines on toast? Puma poo pavlova?
The next two installments, and, no doubt, riveting conclusions follow on Tuesday and Wednesday. Personally, I have some grass to watch growing. But don't tell Heston. He'll end up serving it as a starter.

Big Brother's surprise eviction show started with footage from the house. The voice-over, to a still picture of the bog door, said: "Verne is in the toilet." Verne, for those who don't know, is not even 3 feet high.
Why did no-one panic?
HE'S IN THE TOILET!!!
Emergency!
He'll never get out of the bowl!!!!!!!

Week commencing January 10th 2009

Is it me, or has Dancing On Ice (ITV 1, Sunday 7pm) turned into Stars In Their Eyes or rather Stars On Their Ice?

You've got Mr Nasty judge Jason Gardener as Freddie Mercury, Ruthie Henshaw as a cross between Nigella Lawson and Michelle (Kim Ryder) from Corrie and Robin Coussins as Daniel O' Donnell.
And it doesn't stop there.
Christopher Dean's a dead ringer for hairdresser Nicky Clarke and Holly Willerby isn't that far removed from Dolly Parton.
If you get my drift.
First up was Jeremy Edwards who went in looking like Rambo and came out looking like Julian Clary. He had that much make up on, it was hard to tell if he was the man or the woman. Do tone down the kohl liner love - just stick with the blush.
Next was undercover reporter Donal McIntyre. Good job he's taken up skating now as he can't be an undercover reporter anymore. We all know who he is.
Good old Tucker Jenkins gave a valiant attempt as a Weeble (they wobble but they don't fall down - yet) although Judge Freddie, er, Jason said "You move as if you've crapped yourself."
There's nothing like constructive criticism; but I wonder if he had...
And how many reality TV shows will Ray Quinn enter? For the love of god man, will you just get a career?

It's all fun and games in the Big Brother house (Channel 4, 9pm), but have you ever seen so many tattoos on one woman? Mutya has drawings on her legs, arms, shoulders and even neck. In fact, she doesn't keep a shopping list anymore, she just tattoos whatever she's run out of on the back of her hand.
Elsewhere, Tina bites her own toenails, Lucy has the most annoying monotone voiiiiiiiccceeeee, Coolio, whose hair resembles a wasp's antenae, just won't damn shut up and Ulrikakaka is going gagaga. Who shall we vote out and forget about forever? You decieeeeede...