Don't you just love Simon Cowell and the way his cheesy TV company has us weeping, laughing and cringing every Saturday night?
What is it about the pathos, the highs, the lows, that has us so addicted? It's like a televisual form of cocaine. And who released the tear gas on the show. And in my lounge?
Damn him and his perfectly veneered canines...
Any road, this week, we saw the last auditions in which we were introduced to 'Nick Hell' who swung a bin from his earlobes and put a coat hanger through his conk, a geriatric breakdancer, (who has got more moves than teeth) and...er, Martin.
Martin looked and sounded rather like an accountant from somewhere cutting-edge like Knott End. He came along to the auditions carrying something very special in his large black box. Was it a bird? Was it a plane? No...It was light-up guitar.
Cosmic.
Martin trudged onto the stage and started to sing Queen's 'I Want To Break Free'. And for the love of Christ , the audience wanted to break free too.
If you've ever heard a cat on heat, sat on burning hot coals in the rain, you will be able to understand where Martin got his vocal inspiration.
But that wasn't all.
For the guitar solo, the guitar lit up like Blackpool Illuminations on acid. In fact the instrument had more talent than him. The irony however, was that Martin got through to the next round.
Simon was the only one to, quite rightly, buzz him. He told Martin that he was pretty rubbish but Amanda and Piers liked him.
Usually that would be the end of the matter, but Martin's biggest fan, his mother-in-law, strode onto the stage and told Simon he was very nasty. Simon's reply? Silence. AT LAST!
Have I missed something, or is this show supposed to be based on talent?
In an extended episode, we got to find out who, out of the 200 acts, would be going through to the semi-finals and I've got to say there were a few surprises.
A dancing Darth Vader, a human saxophone, an overweight drag queen who eats his own naval fluff and guess who? Martin.
He's probably got through because if he didn't, the mother-in-law would give Simon a jolly good thrashing with a wet Jaycloth. Or something similar.
You couldn't make it up, because if you did, you'd probably get three buzzes.
So, it's good news for Susan Boyle fans and that fab Greek pair who do a Riverdance skit.
Who is your money on to win? I'll put a ton on that funny pair of Geordies who cheekily get on every week.
Great news! The earlobe man made it. To the semi final that is. Though perhaps he's in with a chance at the asylum too...
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